Send help, my daughter is 2.
She’s adorable, very sweet, and is an incredibly happy little girl. Yet, in the month after her second birthday we noticed an uptick in tantrums. Usually these are preceded by us doing something for her (like filling up her water bottle for her) because she wanted to do it. She cries “Emma do it, Emma do it” and points at the thing she wanted to do, that we hadn’t known she wanted to do.
Veteran moms – how in the world did you balance building independence and saving your sanity? (I’m only kind of kidding)
If you are in the throes of this right now, I feel your pain. I so want to teach my girl to be independent and speak up for what she wants, but oh boy, this stage of not-quite-coordinated-to-do-it-herself-but-aware-enough-to-want-to is rough (also, before you ask - her snacks primarily include apple sauce, bananas and raisins, in other words, nothing containing Red Dye #40).
For example, today I was making stew, and she loves to help me cook. I let her sit on the counter and store whatever is in the pot (supervised of course, and we always reiterate where we do not touch and that it is “hot-hot”), but I also needed to chop some carrots.
Y’all, how do you explain to a toddler that this knife is sharp and dangerous and no, she can absolutely not do it herself and I’m not just being mean? I know – I’m her mother and sometimes saying “no” shouldn’t require an explanation. After all, she’s 2 and her ability to reason is still developing / non-existent. Even so, she’s so eager to help and trying to balance letting her help and saving her from herself is taxing.
We actually just ordered a set of plastic knives to safely teach her how to use a knife (affiliate link). I keep thinking that letting her help in the kitchen at this age will develop life skills in the future. Which, if you didn’t know, knowing how to cook real food instead of instant meals drastically improves health, and we could talk a lot about that but I’m getting off track.
The toddler phase has been an adventure for sure. Thankfully, she responds well to “do you want a hug?” after we let her cry for a minute. She also used to let kiss her boo-boos better - but she lately has been telling me “no” when I ask if she needs mama to kiss it better. Even so, all I have to do is ask and she’ll tell me no, and somehow it still makes it better.
In case you’re floundering with challenge of toddlerhood too, here’s what I’ve learned and have been reflecting on:
These precious toddlers are experiencing some of these emotions for the first time ever, and they have no idea what to do with them. They need a lot more patience than we think.
As their brains develop, they’ve learned that they have these abilities that they want to explore, but because they do not have completely developed motor function yet – some of these actions are nearly impossible to do. This is frustrating for them, especially when they see us (their role models) doing it easily. Imagine how frustrated you get when you can’t get something to work, and you and I both know that adults are not always very good at handling frustration, so why would we expect better from our children?
Let them try. It will take way longer, and it might make a mess – but it’s how they learn. Want to save your own sanity? Plan in extra time, start early, and be ready to have the least efficient help ever. Eventually, they’ll be able to do the thing (maybe still with help), and they’ll do it and look up at you with the biggest grin. Ask me how I know. My heart has rarely been as full as it is when Emma does something and looks at me with a smile, excitement, and a “Emma did it!”
We are their emotional regulators. While they are learning how to deal with big emotions, they lean on us to handle them for them. Which means if they are having a meltdown – yelling might be the worst thing you could do. This doesn’t mean raising your voice is never appropriate (like when getting their attention to tell them to get out of the road) but yelling “stop crying” will not work. It might scare them into being quiet, but they won’t be calm, and they will not have learned how to deal with their frustration / disappointment.
So, mamas, I encourage you to be patient with your baby. After all, they are still basically babies, but with the ability to walk and an understanding that they want to do things.
Share your best advice for how you survived, or best dealt with this stage to support both yourself and your kiddo during this age in the comments.
Remember, the good news is that this is temporary. The bad news, is that this is temporary.
Cheers,
Kathryn
